a new weblog entry   cause i havent done one in so long.... Everything inside my mind is a story, an editorial on someones outlook compared to my own. Analyzing personalities and motivations, questioning purpose and destiny.
    Stayed my first night in the dorms last night. Uncomfortable brick red sheets, creased and rumpled, fresh from the Wal-Mart sack. Best of Alice in Chains playing on the small, from-mom-borrowed stereo. She is so sweet. She even packed a bag of goodies for me to take. Yep, and when they run out I'll just drive down the road to get some more! ...wait. This place sucks!  
    I don't have a roommate. Good news.  Maybe I won't all semester. That would be tight. Ummm... I'm waiting on Becky to pick me up.... if you dont know her shes a short skater mexican chick running around B.S.  lets take a walk down memory lane...
  

      What do I remember?  Well I remember a lot of things. I remember a lot of specific things... Heartbreak. I remember that. Something thats easy to remember, but hard to think about. Obsession. No, I don't remember that. It was... confusion. Mixed with anger and rejection.  Happiness I remember too. But this is boring all of a sudden.  Some food would make me happy.   I remember getting my sippy tup out of the fridge one time and taking a big drink of chocolate milk. Totally sour. I didnt understand and ran to my mommy.   And tomatoes. So good, especially the little cherry ones my grandmother grew. And her father, in his youngest old years, mmm those were good too. Ate so many one time I threw up all over the counter. 
    Becky is almost here. I gotta come back later and read this... boooo my myspace! Jus kidding Myspace Gods.

     Life can be so crazy sometimes. A hundred unexpected things can happen within the course of a month to change the entire pattern of your life. People die, move, cry, and cheat, leaving gaps and confusion in their place.
     "He got kicked out."
   "No way! So whats he gonna do?"
      So many friends to play out this conversation, and I always wondered what it would be like to have your closest family tell you they want you to leave. I guess what I always thought was some kind of drastic punishment was more of a blessing in disguise, a moment of clarity in which you realize that YOU have to do something with your life. So now I gotta find a job. Anyone know of a good bookstore in town? Pssshhh. I wish.
     Homelife, relationships, and children. A compact rubiks cube more complicated than the conundrum of infinity. Constant rotation, the configuration of decisions good and bad, matching the right moments together just to have them slip out of place unexpectedly with each new turn. She who always had something negative to say found someone to understand the meaning of compromise. She who could never be faithful found someone to trust and care about. He who was cast aside found the piece of a puzzle which would not fit. Exploration and enlightenment lies ahead. You wonder who will change for you, and where you can find the satisfaction you so deeply crave. Maybe someone willl change me.
   I miss the days when life was books and cartoons, and only you got inside my head.
  

Currently Listening Garden State By Various Artists Let Go see related

   Can anyone tell me who I am? What am I to you? How do I seem, what do I do? Who am I to my friends and enemies? Or anyone else.
    Every time I achieve an "accomplishment", it seems the to stem something bad. Or different. Off-course of original intents and purposes. I keep finding things I want, and similarities in the things I find... but nothing to be satisfied with. Again I toss and turn at night, wondering, thinking, wishing... hoping for something new. Why does it seem so hard to "play the game?" Not everyone plays the same game. Sometimes its Twister, sometimes is Risk, and sometimes its even Life, but everyone has a different goal in mind. I really wish I could find someone else with the same gameboard!  Or maybe trying my hand at a few new games is just what I need.  At least give me someone else who understands... 
   Truly one of the best things in life is appreciating its complexities. Good and bad things happen, and everything has a reason. Knowing heartbreak is just as beautiful as knowing love. Why does it feel so good to say those words? I love you. Someone loves you.

   Oh and we got a new puppy. Matt named her Sky. Sky Hill. The only child mom and matt will ever have. Lol. Shes really adorable. And this really has been a great couple of weeks despite the car accident. Yeah... its nice...

Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Currently Listening Take This to Your Grave By Fall Out Boy Dance Dance see related

Someone shoot me.  I'm tired of the shame and the embarrassment. And searching for someone to cry to, something to hold on to. Where do I turn?  What I am I doing? What if I need to cry? 
     These are some of the feelings I've gone through this week.  I'm not really sure what I'm doing right now, floating day to day, doing things here and there hoping to lead to some positive end.
     I went over to Cera's the other night because she needed someone to talk to. We had meant to take time to sit back and talk for a long time, and we finally got alot of it done that weekend.  Then I got into my wreck... I felt kinda like I needed someone to cry, because there was alot of things involved beyond having my shoulder bruised. I ignored the phone when a few calls came in, I knew I couldn't handle talking to them. But yeah, I never did get to cry, I just fell asleep. Thanks for being there for me anyways Cera. =) I felt kinda like I needed to write today, but somehow I don't really feel it anymore. 
    Heres to getting another nice car!